Another (very long) random post about Church..
So, we’ve only missed Church twice on this trip. At first I thought I was showing the kids the world and they should be exposed to different ways Christians worship…. that didn’t last long. Not that they weren’t willing, but soon into the trip I needed a home to come to to reconnect with believers and God. Now, there are believers at all types of Churches, but I was looking for people from my denomination (you know to make it as homey as possible). Ironically, we are “non-denominational”. There are a few denominations that are similar, though.
It’s funny because after going to a few churches (and now dozens) I can tell you that Non-Denominational IS its own denomination. They don’t share a big governing board or anything, but MOSTLY they do things the same. Not completely. Some are as short as an hour, and some are so long that…let’s just say we snuck out after two and a half hours.
The truth is, I need SOMETHING to feel the same each week even if its … different. Caleb and Zoe come to Church with me. They refuse to do any kind of Youth Group because it’s new, different, and they’ll never see these people again. I know this is normal and something 95% of kids would say, but this is my bread and butter. I’d love that. In fact, when I was a teenager, I always had more fun at “Church conferences” where I’d meet people who didn’t know me or judge me.
Harmonie loves going to Sunday School every week and you gotta believe the Sunday schools are very different from each other, some of them even have Bibles!
A few weeks ago we picked out a slightly charismatic Church and when I went to register, they had my info already. Scratch that, they had Adams info and phone number. Apparently we had attended an event at this Church several years before! The phone number was burned in my brain and I asked if I could change it. They said it had to be done online. I could barely hold it together. I don’t like being confronted with grief that is unexpected.
I called that phone number every day for years and sometimes several times a day. It was his cell phone but we used it for everything we did together or just him. All I could think of was this number and I couldn’t even change it. I mean, what if something horrible happened at Sunday School with my perfect nine year old? They’d never get ahold of me. Unfortunately, this was that same Church we had to sneak out of after two and a half hours. Which meant I was holding it together a little too long. I never really got to cry. Well, maybe I cried about it a little today.
I’m not saying Church is boring, but for people like me who have a problem with rest and quiet, a lot gets done in my mind at Church. It’s the one time in the week I’m alone with only my thoughts, and the pastor’s thoughts. It gives me a chance to think, feel, reevaluate….today I felt happy for just a moment. During the first leg of the trip I felt happy for exactly two times. The reason I remember is because when you aren’t happy you remember when you are. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve laughed and smiled every single day since Adam died, but that doesn’t mean I was happy. I had moments of contentment, and during this second leg, they’ve grown.
So now I’m getting tiny glimpses of happiness every once in awhile and I’ve lost track of how many (only because I’m lazy, if I had to guess I’d say 6). Of course, as soon as I realized I was happy for that moment in Church today, I immediately felt sad. The sadness was so much worse than the happiness and now I imagine why I’m never happy, because it comes with sadness. Sadness like, “Why aren’t I more happy?” Sadness that… I can’t even define it. Then I teared up and remember tearing up in Church a few weeks ago, oh and all the other times I tear up in Church because it’s where I do it the most. It’s the one place I should be able to cry, but I don’t want to.
After Adam died, I was able to be 100% myself at my Church and cry and sneak off to the bathroom. I remember one time I was crying in the bathroom and someone came in and told me she had lost a husband once and understood. She never asked what I was crying about and I never told her, but she knew. I couldn’t last a whole Church service for at least six months after Adam died. I’d either break it up with a bathroom break, leave early, or go hang out in the kids’ Sunday School class where I had been the teacher up until he died.
I have nothing to say to wrap this up, thanks for letting me ramble. I guess what I’m saying is – I love Church.
When we go to Church’s some aren’t very good. The last Church we went to was honestly really amazing. You get to play with all sorts of cool games (even the wii) and after that you go to worship and do service then go to small groups.
One of my favorites was you would play a lot of games then just watch a video and eat a snack. Then parents pick you up and you can eat pastries.
My third favorite was you go into class and do a very quick lesson and play games. Then parents pick you up.
I really would rather go to a horrible service on Sunday School then go to adult service.