Will this ever get better….No

Please only read this if you want to see what rock-bottom looks like as well as some pretty private thoughts. Also if you are sick of my whining stop reading. It’s amazing how we can go to doing okay to the world is ending in such a quick turnaround. Every day is a new day. I’m either content or life stinks.

So we left Cincinnati thinking I knew the few problems that needed to be fixed. We stopped in Louisville at the Slugger Museum. It’s in Downtown Louisville. Driving through downtown is an unwanted chore and by the way, where would I park? Somehow after driving around for awhile 20 minutes I found 3 parking meters in a row five blocks away. So I guess it worked out but I was wound pretty tight.

We stayed in a parking lot that night so our rv was level and thus didn’t lose power to our refrigerator for once. Although we did get into a huge fight.

The next day we drove to St. Louis.

While driving, a gallon jug of maple syrup fell out of the closet and poured its entire contents on the rug. I was….upset. Not sure how to explain how much I blamed it on my kids while they blamed me. I didn’t discover this problem until we showed up at the rv park with a SMOKING wheel (unrelated). So now I had to find an RV shop, rent a carpet cleaner, oh and my tow brake lights have been having problems for awhile now. (Not to mention the generator not working)

Also, my dog got a tick or something and is biting his skin and licking the fur off his paws. The kids have made it clear that they hate each other, hate their lives, and hate our family.

A few weeks ago a friend told me to continue blogging these tragedies, but I told him I didn’t know how to spin it anymore. I’m weary and it’s not funny anymore in retrospect either.

Today, one of my children bought me a soda. I asked if it were a peace offering and was given a shrug. I know it was a peace offering. The others have said nice things to me. So maybe they might be trying to tell me their lives aren’t so bad. Maybe.

I never miss Adam more than when things go to &$@%. He never solved the problems for me but I wasn’t in it alone. I now understand why I need so badly to stay with family and friends. I don’t want to be in this alone and I want someone to help carry my burden. (This doesn’t sound as big as the anguish of this really is)

I know friends who would say Jesus is my husband now and can carry my burden. He has used my friends and families to do this. But I am still physically alone and I feel like I’m trying to save a sinking ship. (Again, hear the anguish)

I’m here at the RV park right now without an RV (in the shop, again) and I can’t go anywhere we had planned because I have the dog with us (not gonna leave him in RV). I can’t go anywhere by myself because the kids can’t be by themselves alone or they my hurt each other. We literally have sat in a driveway with camp chairs staring at our phones and nothing else to do. We drove around for something to do and I got flustered and almost got in a wreck. Meeting up with another (thank you God) friend tonight. Apparently my axel is somethinged and they’ll put my tires back on it so we can sleep in it for the night but I’ll have to bring it back tomorrow and put Bear Bear in doggie daycare!!?!

I still have to figure out the kids schooling for next year, a job, oh and some sort of plan for my life when I get back. Why don’t I just stay in Denver after leg 1 is over? Because I’ll have to figure out those questions sooner. I thought leaving a year after Adam died was practical and sane, but it was only organized running away. I don’t want to ever come back to a life without Adam but being on the road is not…I don’t know what to say.

Begrudging Blessings

• I found a spot to park in downtown Louisville
• We found a great parking lot to sleep in that night
• I was able to clean up the syrup even if it did cost $50
• My family may say they don’t like me, but there’s a chance they don’t mean it (completely)
• We didn’t get in a wreck and a new axel is better than what it could have been? I guess?

Harmonie’sCorner

This is how I spell my name now. We went to Louisville the only thing we did there was go to a bat museum. ( If you are thinking about the bats that fly you are wrong. I’m talking about a baseball bat.) When we were trying to find a parking space my mom was literally freaking out as much as she possibly could in a trillion years. Yes, it is very exhausting living in an RV with my mom when she freaks out even an inch. So we FINALLY got to a space and we had to pay double. At the end of the baseball bat tour we got mini bats and I saw a person that was a softball player. ( I play softball actually and not baseball) Then we went straight to a KOA and we slept amazing night of sleep on the ground. I went to the playground that moment. (Because in my opinion there was nothing to do) so there were two parts the first part was a normal park and I pretended like it was a boat and it was very fun.

The second part was a jumping pillow and I got bored in ten minutes and there was sand around it so I decided to make a sand sculpture garden called Harmonies Fantastic Sculptures so far I have only made two sculptures one is a volcano and the second one was a mountain (FYI shockingly the mountain is taller then the volcano and most volcanoes are taller then flippin’ mountains like WTH ( that stands for what the heck)

Then we went out to a restaurant/bakery I got for dinner a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato and mozzarella cheese and for dessert I got a strawberry cheesecake.